I feel as if Ella has given me a great gift. Truthfully, it is likely her birth order more than anything else. I often felt overwhelmed having the two boys so close together. There were periods when I was sure they were trying to drive me crazy. Connor had one phase where his “love language” was kicking everyone he saw. I could have done without that phase. The boys were a little older when Ella joined our family. They were both out of toddler-hood and thankfully Connor had grown out of most of his fun phases and was growing into such a funny and enjoyable little guy (who didn't kick you every time he saw you). With Avery and Connor I was never really sad as they celebrated their birthdays. For sure I would be a little sad that they are getting so old and that they are growing out of certain things but not the deep sadness that I am feeling today. Today is Ella’s third birthday and I have dreaded it all week. I wonder if it will always be this way as each year passes.
With Ella, I was able to see some perspective on being a Mom. They boys HAD grown up to be really nice kids even with my wonky parenting. They had moved past every challenge I had with them. Time marched on no matter what was going on. I really could look back and say “wow that went by fast.” Of course I could not say that when the boys were small. It seemed an insurmountable obstacle to even get through some days. When Ella was born, I tried to even from the beginning enjoy everything about having a baby again. I cuddled, loved and rested in Motherhood. I gave in. I couldn't be bothered to worry about anything because I knew that every moment was so fleeting. Even my usual post-partum depression could not touch me. I knew the thoughts and feelings would come, and I knew they would pass. I could have cared less. I tried to live only in the moment, not allowing myself to drift into worry. I wish I could have seen this from the beginning. I guess only by living it could I learn it.
All my kids have benefited from this renewed perspective. I find I am enjoying all of them more and I am less stressed when they head into and out of phases. With Ella I have learned that you can enjoy every age and phase and even when she is yelling at me “MOM TOP” (mom stop) I just laugh. She was running around the house today yelling “me soupy-man” and I want time to stop. I am not ready for her to grow up.
Happy Birthday Ella, you are such a treasure.
